The power of intentions
Several years ago, two people close to me came into a serious conflict. I was not directly involved. But given my relationship with them both, I felt obliged to try to set things right. From my point of view, one of them was clearly in the wrong, and I needed to help him understand the error of his ways.
During that time, I was seeing a holistic healer (I'll refer to her as El). Doubling as my mentor, El was the one who initiated me into spiritual work. Each time I descended into her basement clinic, I felt like I was falling down a rabbit hole. Our sessions were nerve-racking, illuminating, disorienting and therapeutic. I anticipated and dreaded them at the same time.
It was near the holiday season, and El and I had just ended our session. I had shared with her my feelings about this serious conflict involving the two people I knew. I told her that I was planning to send a gift to one of the individuals—the one I disagreed with. Along with that gift, I would include a ‘wise’ message—an innocuous quote—to hopefully open his eyes and teach him a lesson. Upon hearing this, El shot her eyes at me and exclaimed: “Don't do it!” I was stunned.
“What you're planning to do is psychological violence!” she said, alarmed.
“What do you mean?”
“You said you wanted to teach him a lesson. How would you like it if someone tried to change you against your will?”
“Aren't you trying to change me?”
“YOU came to ME!” She retorted. “Do you see the difference?”
I fell silent for a moment, then asked: “What do you suggest I do instead?”
“Show him love.”
After that meeting, I reflected on El's words. So often she could see right through me. I had initially gone to her in hopes that she would heal me from what I knew intuitively could not be healed by conventional methods. Despite my nerves, I continued to go to her to become privy to her knowledge and to help me wake up from my slumber. And while her prescriptions were exact and strict at times, I always had a choice.
In that same conversation, El mentioned the importance of knowing the true intentions behind our actions. I thought I was doing something virtuous by sending a wise message with the intent to teach. But what was the deeper, true intention behind it? It was to change the person. To fix them. It was an imposition, a subtle act of aggression borne of the anger I had held inside of me. I saw myself above this person, who didn't know better than me. The truth is, I already knew what my actions would have resulted in. Anger and dismissal. It would have ruined my relationship with that person, rather than forging greater understanding.
In the end, I did end up sending that person a gift with a message. However, it was not a message of judgment. Instead, I delivered a sincere statement of appreciation for all that person had done for me over the years. Today, my relationship with this person, while not perfect, has only improved. We may not agree on everything, but our mutual respect allows us to sustain a relationship for the benefit of everyone around us. This gave us the chance to celebrate our years together. How different things might be if I hadn't taken this path?
Questions to reflect on
Think of someone you may be having trouble with. What do you appreciate about them?
What are some instances in which you’ve gotten along? What led to those moments?
If you were both getting along, what would you notice that’s different in your interactions? What would other people notice that’s different?