Recently I read a piece written by a fellow coach suggesting that authentic selves don't exist. That immediately evoked an incredulous response in me. I remember sitting in my therapist's office years ago, telling her that “I felt like a polar bear wandering on the African savanna.” What I was experiencing was a deep sense of misalignment between my inner and outer reality. Surely, there must be an authentic self yearning to be acknowledged somewhere from deep within.

Authenticity has been defined as “the congruence between our deeper values and beliefs and our actions.” (Smerek, 2019) The idea that an authentic self doesn't exist is not recent. In Buddhism, there is the teaching of no-self, which explains that our sense of self is constructed from moment to moment. Robert Wright explores this view and how it correlates with the latest findings in neuroscience in his book ‘Why Buddhism is True.’

Similarly, social constructionists argue that the self is socially constructed. From this piece by Commonplaces, this perspective seems to make a lot of sense. Though I argue the Western and Eastern notions of selfhood aren't always so black and white.

Westerners might believe themselves to be unique individuals striving to distinguish themselves from the masses, while Easterners will see themselves as cogs within an intricate machine, seeking collective approval and social success. Both styles of thought allow for very different views of the self, differences that are built around the social constructs inherent in each culture. Nisbett’s overwhelming evidence shows that our identities are almost entirely molded by our upbringing and the cultural paradigms with which we are indoctrinated. Now, assuming that the self is defined by its identity, and that our social environment heavily influences that identity, it is plausible to conclude that our social setting predominately shapes the self and thus that the self is constructed.

Regardless of its underlying truth, from my observation and personal experience, this perspective of the constructed self can be misunderstood by a lot of people. Individuals who already struggle with self-acceptance may use these ideas to try to dismiss their deepest desires, get rid of their ego, or dissociate from their bodies in an attempt to become ‘no-self’ as a mark of virtue and way to inner peace. No self, no problem, right? Selfhood is a sensitive subject for many people. It is tied to our sense of agency and autonomy, a basic human need. Authenticity is also a value that means a lot to people. So, I think it's important to realize that when different people use the word self, authentic self, true self, they aren't always talking about the same thing.

There are many depths to the experience of ‘self.’ From my own limited experience, I can say there is a part of us that is unchanging. But that which is unchanging has nothing to do with personality. It is just pure Being-ness. By contrast, the authentic self, on the level of ego-personality, is never fixed. It evolves with our degree of openness to our experience, and our freedom from habitual constrictions to allow something, call it nature if you’d like, to come through.

A mentor of mine once gave me some great advice: “Don't get too caught up in whether there is a self or no self.” For most of us, I find what's more helpful to realize is that there isn't a fixed self, if by that we mean a fixed personality. One thing's clear to me: we are always changing and growing with the ever-transforming world. Our opinions can change and evolve, our connections with other people and the world continue to influence and shape our own identity, and from that interaction, that dialogue between inner and outer, a natural, authentic response will emerge in our body-mind. From there, we accept it coming into reality, into our consciousness, like a newborn child entering the world. Any attempt to dampen or resist this authentic response is not an act of love or compassion. However, we may need to negotiate with this child if its full expression could negatively impact the well-being of the people around us.

To explore that further, another helpful concept is the idea that there is no self that is completely separate from others. No one is an island unto themselves. This idea that anyone can be self-made is false. Our success, our happiness, our well-being, our own very existence is interdependent with all things. Relationships form the basis of life. In a work of art, the effect one dab of paint has is dependent on its relationship with the space around it, and the other dabs of paint or colours on a canvas. Remembering the relational nature of life has taught me to let go of trying to control everything through my own will and actions. We are in a process of co-influence all the time. In that process, unique co-arisings develop simultaneously at different points in space and time. It’s a kind of authentic expression.

Today, I don’t feel like a lonely polar bear wandering the African savanna so much. However, learning how to allow what wants to come through at each moment, with wisdom and compassion, is a life-long project. This is a process that also requires a lot of un-learning of old patterns and beliefs that are no longer useful⁠—patterns held in the body and in consciousness that continue to shape the way I see and act in the world for better or worse.

Some might scoff at the idea, but for now, I will continue to entertain the idea of having some kind of an authentic self. I find the idea of an authentic self can be helpful and even important for guiding one’s personal growth as a human being. After all, doesn’t there need to be someone to take responsibility for the actions one takes in this world? And if there’s no one home, how can there be any sense of accountability? Maybe it’s best to set these questions aside and focus on our experience in the here and now.

Questions to reflect on

• Imagine you have no fixed ideas about who you are, how do you know you’re being authentic in this moment in time?

• In the past, when you began to outgrow certain ideas and behaviours, how did you come to realize that? What did you end up doing about it?

• If you were being your authentic self in a specific situation in your life right now, what would other people notice about you?

Sources

Common Places. "The Self: Merely a Social Construct.” Commonplaces.davidson.edu, commonplaces.davidson.edu/vol4/the-self-merely-a-social-construct/. Accessed 10 Aug. 2022.

Smerek, Ryan. “What Does It Mean to Be Authentic?” Psychology Today, 8 Jan. 2019, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/learning-work/201901/what-does-it-mean-be-authentic. Accessed 10 Aug. 2022.