There are different views on how people grow and evolve. One perspective is that we need to train hard and strive to reach our potential. Through our arduous effort, we will eventually become our best self. Another perspective is that people grow naturally, and that the process is less a doing, but more of an undoing. By releasing what’s obstructing the natural movement of evolution, we will eventually uncover our inherent wholeness. 

In a society obsessed with achievement and productivity, we tend to give the first perspective greater emphasis. This approach also has a particularly masculine quality to it. But on the extreme end of this perspective, we would need to whip ourselves into shape, train ourselves to become decent contributors of society and find any sense of fulfillment. The other perspective is less prominent in the West, and yet is slowly emerging in the social discourse. There is a nurturing quality to this second perspective that’s associated with the qualities of the feminine. However, the extreme version of this perspective may lead some to believe there is nothing that needs to be done at all (the mother will provide for everything). Yet, my own nature favours more the second perspective—that of an undoing. The voice and power of the feminine has been subjugated for so long. I believe it is necessary to augment its influence to find balance. 

However, I can see we are still caught in the tension between opposites: masculine and feminine, striving and surrender, East and West. These pairs are two sides of the same coin— they define each other. Black cannot exist without white. In the times we’re living in, polarization is tearing this world apart. In the ancient teachings of yogic philosophy, there is a natural law that says “every pole will eventually give way to its opposite.” So, if we focus all our energy on one end of the pole (e.g. pleasure), it will only strengthen the opposite end (e.g. pain). Eventually, nature will force us to acknowledge and experience that opposite pole. Why is this? Because nature inclines towards wholeness. 

The psychoanalyst Robert A. Johnson offered his insights on how we can approach this conundrum: 

As long as you think in terms of this one or that one, then you are still caught up in the world of duality. But if you can stand to live in paradox long enough, then a transformation takes place and a new consciousness is born—a child called Samadhi. This occurs when one has stopped trying to maneuver external reality so that it will work out as the ego desires. One turns authority over to something greater than oneself; the ego is sacrificed to the Self, the earthly world serves the heavenly world, and one learns, at last to trust the slender threads.

The child, Samadhi, represents a state of ascended balance. It is a state that reconciles the polarity and is a cleared emotional state. As explained in the Marriage of Spirit by Leslie Temple-Thurston, you can picture the ascended state as the apex of a triangle that sits above the baseline that forms any given polarity. Some examples of other balanced states include: acceptance, clarity, compassion, humility, patience, discernment, forgiveness, gratitude, and wisdom. These ascended balanced states allow us to recognize and embrace the full continuum of the polarity so that we can learn from both poles. When we fixate on one end of a continuum, we are in a state of contraction. Shifting our perspective and being to an ascended state is a move towards expansion. 

From my experience, identifying the ascended balance state takes a lot of practice particularly in the heat of the moment. Something I’ve struggled with is the fear of being perceived as foolish. If I think I didn’t come off as intelligent or competent in a meeting, or a conversation, I would beat myself up for it and cringe as I replay the experience in my mind. What helps me in those moments is to first notice what’s happening. The desire for being intelligent (pride) and the aversion to being foolish (worthlessness) is at play in that moment. That recognition is powerful because it gives me an opportunity to hold the tension between opposites. I am not trying to reject my uncomfortable feelings of being foolish or worthless. Instead, I can witness what’s happening in the context of the pride/worthlessness paradigm. Seeing things from a more expanded viewpoint begins to free me from the contracted state. The ascended state that I’ve chosen to reconcile this polarity is humility. From the perspective of humility, I can learn and gain wisdom from this experience, rather than getting caught up in proving my inherent worth to others. This process may also reveal deeper polarities at play, such as acceptance and rejection. 

There are more nuances to this teaching. For instance, it’s important to not try to erase our experience of the polarity. Joy and sorrow, gain and loss, life and death, these experiences are part of our human existence. It is our grasping onto one pole and trying to suppress the other that creates our suffering and the perpetual loops in our life. The ascended balance states, if we can learn to cultivate them, help us transform our relationship with both sides of the continuum, so we can move without resistance into our wholeness and find balance.

So, given what we’ve explored so far, do we need to strive in order to grow or do we just need to undo what obstructs the natural process of growing? Two things can be true at the same time. If we can hold this paradox and see it from a higher perspective, maybe it’ll become more clear when it is appropriate to emphasize one over the other (or even both at the same time or neither somehow) in different situations. That understanding is what I believe is referred to as wisdom. 

Reflection

• Which approach to personal growth do you use most often? Striving with effort or the undoing of obstructions?

• What made that particular approach effective for you?

• In what instances did you also draw on the opposite approach, even if just a little bit? How have those moments benefitted you in some way?

• What do you draw on in order to help you decide which approach is most appropriate for your situation? How do you manage to do that?

Sources

Blackstone, J. (1991). The Subtle Self: Personal Growth and Spiritual Practice. North Atlantic Books.

Johnson, R. A., & Ruhl, J. M. (2000). Balancing Heaven and Earth: A Memoir. Element.

Temple-Thurston, L., & Laughlin, B. (2000). The Marriage of Spirit: Enlightened Living in Today’s World. Corelight Pub.

Wallis, C. D. (2013). Tantra Illuminated: The Philosophy, History, and Practice of a Timeless Tradition. Mattamayura Pr.